From Suffering to Surrender

With autumn’s arrival, I wanted to focus on the idea of letting go, just as the leaves begin to do at this time of year. It always seems so poetic to recommend that we mimic nature and simply release what is no longer serving us. I admire how easily the trees seem to shed their leaves, only to lay themselves bare for several months, vulnerable to the unending chill and winds of winter. They do not cling hard to all that growth, they simply let it go when the wind tickles their fancy.

I wanted to share words of wisdom about surrender and I wanted to encourage you to release whatever it is that may be holding you back, so that you too can move into the next season of your life with joy and ease.

But… the truth is that I’m often clinging on so tight to my expectations and desires, that to speak of surrender feels almost fraudulent.

I keep asking the Universe to help me surrender, and in turn, the Universe keeps offering me opportunities to surrender. Clearly the Universe did not get my memo, as I wanted it to magically turn me into someone who was comfortable with surrender, not offer me the chance to do so. But that’s not how this wild and wooly place works. We get to choose, free will and all, and the Universe has no beef with whatever we decide to do. I’ve been waiting for some sense of immediate relief, some moment in time when all my resistance simply drifts away, just like those loosened leaves. But it doesn’t happen like that, because the Universe doesn’t see my choice to remain in resistance as the wrong choice. It’s simply a choice. I can be uncomfortable, fighting the natural flow of things, or I can let go and enjoy wherever the wind takes me.

As one who navigates life through the lens of anxiety and depression, I’ve learned that I cling to what feels familiar, even if familiar is faulty. If I have come to understand it, then I don’t want to leave it behind, no matter how lousy it makes me feel. I have become so familiar with resistance that it seems unfathomable to release it. I’m good at gripping, that I know I can count on, but blowing in the wind? Now that, I’m not so sure about.

Because of that aforementioned anxiety and depression, I’ve spent a lot of my life uncomfortable, and therefore trying to control the world around me to decrease that discomfort. I’m not naive enough to think that I’m alone in that, in fact anxiety and depression aside, we all do that. We have a desire for things to be a certain way, so that we can feel good and go along on our merry way. When things go pear shaped, however, most of us only have a certain amount of discomfort that we can tolerate, before we need things to go back to how we want them to be.

We have expectations of how the world around us should run, and when the world does not meet our expectations, we begin to suffer, known as Duhkha in Sanskrit. Instead of shifting our expectations, we expect the world to shift. We resist the things that make us uncomfortable, thereby compounding our discomfort. And then we go in search of things to relieve our discomfort. We do all sorts of things to try to make it nice inside again. We go in search of experiences that we think will make us happy; we purchase items that we think will create a nicer environment for us to exist in; we seek solace in relationships, hoping they will fulfill us; we might even consume alcohol and drugs in an effort to numb the not-so-niceness inside. At some point we may realize that all we’ve ever done, through our entire lives, is just try to make it nice inside, so that we can be okay. We think that if we can control everything around us, then we can finally be happy.

But here’s the rub: happiness is an inside job.

What Did You Expect?

To truly surrender to the present moment as it is, we must release expectations, or let go of our attachment to the outcome, known as Vairagya. Releasing expectations or attachments is the most important step in dismantling the varying degrees of suffering that we experience. When we break free of suffering, we can truly live at our highest level. Please know that when I refer to suffering in this context, I am talking about the levels of discomfort that we all feel throughout our day. I am not talking about hunger, abuse, war, etc.

I also want to note that suffering is not quantifiable, as it’s based on our own personal set of experiences and the current state of our own nervous system. Something that may only mildly irk you for a moment, could send me into a tailspin that ruins my whole day. You might not understand why, but if I were to share my own personal traumas, experiences, and everything that I’m navigating at that present moment, it would likely make more sense to you.

Whatever it is that causes us each to individually suffer, leads to the collective suffering that we feel as a society, and ultimately as all of humankind. The more irked we are individually, the more poorly we treat one another. For example, lets say I’m annoyed that I couldn’t get into the shower when I wanted to one morning, so I’m running a bit behind, which leads me to worry about getting to the studio late before my first class in the morning. I dash out of the house, clearly annoyed, which leads Jason to feel annoyed at me for being annoyed at him. I then jump in my car and speed through my neighborhood in an effort to not be late. The woman walking her dog has to jump back on the sidewalk because I’m so preoccupied and now she’s feeling threatened and agitated. I get to the chaotic stop sign at Waxpool and Ashburn Roads, and I aggressively move through it to get on my way, annoying the five other people who are also trying to get through it.

The ripples race outward from there. Jason is feeling defensive and frustrated with me, and that comes through in his first meeting of the day, triggering his co-workers to be annoyed at him. The woman on her walk gets home, makes a phone call about something and passes her agitation on to the next person. Those five people at the crazy stop sign spread their annoyance on to others and so on it goes. Rippling out from me because I chose to be annoyed by those few moments of lateness, as they didn’t match up with my expectation of how my morning should have gone. It’s a pretty brutal, seemingly never-ending cycle that we find ourselves in as humankind. And quite honestly, I believe it’s part of what has led us to the level of division and derisiveness we find ourselves in today.

Each of us thinks the world should align with our own particular preferences, so that ultimately we can feel okay inside. If everyone behaved in a certain manner, I could peacefully & happily go about my day. How nice it would be if no one ever ruffled any of my feathers! If the sun always shinned, it was permanently sweater weather, no one ever challenged or annoyed me, and everything always played out exactly as I wanted it. Sounds like perfection. But it’s ridiculous to expect that. It’s like saying I want the Great Red Spot, a massive storm swirling on the surface of Jupiter, to settle down because it’s getting a bit windy over here on my street. The two things have absolutely nothing to do with one another. But my internal discomfort has me constantly on the alert for things that could be causing that discomfort. So when I see a swirling cyclone, it’s way easier to blame that storm for my inner turmoil, rather than take accountability myself.

I couldn’t possibly be responsible for all this tumult; it must be coming from some external source. So if I can control everything else around me, I can finally feel peaceful inside. It’s like I’m standing behind the camera, directing everyone else to line up so I can get the perfect shot, only no one has any desire to be in this picture because they are simply trying to get through the stop sign at Waxpool & Ashburn Road. Can you imagine if I stepped into the center of an intersection, demanded everyone get out of their cars, line up on the corner and smile for a picture? It’s absolutely absurd. Yet take the silliness out of it, and it’s what we are all trying to do. We want everyone & everything else to line up in just the right way, so that we can have a good day.

But the good day has to come from within. The Universe would love nothing more than to give you a good day. And by and large, it’s setting you up for good days over and over again. But we think we know just what a good day should look like, and if it doesn’t match that expectation, it’s not a good day. We are quite literally made of star dust, hurling through space on a massive rock, thinking that if we only had five more minutes in the morning, then we could feel happy.

This once in a lifetime moment in front of you has been coalescing for 13.8 billion years; no one else will ever experience this very moment exactly as you are right now, in all of time, and yet you think you could make it better. Do you know how many things had to line up over those 13.8 billion years for you to end up here, in this very moment, reading these words? It’s miraculous! Think of how many storms had to rage to carve out the waterway that led to the small village settlement that turned into a bustling city where your great great great grandparents met and fell in love. There have been billions of actions and reactions over those billions of years that eventually led to you sitting here in this moment. How mind blowing is that? And we sit here thinking that we know what’s best, we know just what everyone else should be doing in order for things to be right. It’s so silly, isn’t it? But we do it every day.

But Why Can’t I?

Why can’t I want things the way I want them? Why can’t I have preferences and likes and dislikes? Why can’t I be in control of my own life? Why is that wrong?

It’s not wrong per say, but in the larger scheme of things, it’s fruitless, because everything happening around you has absolutely nothing to do with you. All these moments are occurring, whether you are interacting with them or not. We don’t get caught up in the moments that we aren’t interacting with, so why do we get so caught up in the moments that we are interacting with?

For example, right now there is an Alaskan king crab scuttling across the sea bed somewhere in the Bering Straight. It’s just going about its business, not thinking about you in the slightest, and you are not thinking about it (well, now you are since I brought it up). You are both just moving through your lives. You have zero resistance to what that crab chooses to do because you know that it has absolutely nothing to do with you. It wouldn’t even occur to you think that you needed that crab to behave in a certain way in order for you to feel happy. It’s thousands of miles away at the bottom of the ocean, it clearly has nothing to do with you. Right?

But it’s not just proximity that proves this point. Whether it’s the crab in the ocean, or the crabby man who pulled into the pump you were just about to line up with at the gas station, neither of them have anything to do with you. If the potentially delicious crab made a left turn rather than a right, you wouldn’t get annoyed, would you? But when the potentially grumpy one does at the gas station, it throws you all out of alignment. Why? They’re both crabs, crabbing along. Neither of them have anything to do with you. The difference is you had an expectation of one of them, and not the other. Or more accurately, you had an expectation that you could pull into the pump you wanted, but then couldn’t. So you blame the crab in the Chrysler for what he did, rather than yourself for what you did.

It’s not that you can’t have preferences, likes or dislikes, it’s that when the world doesn’t deliver on them, you can’t let yourself get out of alignment. Want what you want all day long, but don’t let those wants rule your entire life. When the crab goes left, you either go right or continue straight, it’s as simple as that. Let the crab, crab, knowing that in someone else’s world, you’re the crab. You have no idea how many times you’ve pulled into the pump when someone else was just about to, and how many times you’ve been villainized for doing so. Can you imagine being blamed for ruining someone’s day because you pumped gas without even remotely realizing someone else was about to pull into the pump? Your jaw would undoubtedly hit the floor. Yet there’s a good chance you’ve let a minor moment like that spiral into monumentally bad day.

Our pal Patanjali

Ultimately it’s in the surrender that we can stave off suffering. Patanjali is a big fan of surrender, and in fact he states that it’s the quickest way to reach Samadhi, or that state of total liberation we are seeking via our Yoga practices. At the start of the first pada, or book one of the Yoga Sutras, he begins by telling us about the different stages of Samadhi and then transitions into telling us how to get there. In Sutra 1.23 he states, Isvarapranidhanadva; Isvara meaning “God,” pranidhanat meaning “from dedicated devotion,” and va meaning “or.” He’s essentially saying, “or you can skip all of that and simply surrender to God.” With that complete surrender, comes Samadhi.

It’s important to note that the purpose of Sutras in general, is to be concise. There isn’t much explanation in them, as Yoga at its roots is an oral tradition that was handed down from teacher to student. Patanjali wrote his treatise on Yoga as a way to outline the basics that would then be expounded upon by a teacher. That said, he doesn’t repeat himself along the way. He lays it out and then he continues on his way. The one exception, is Isvara Pranidhana. He explains it in book one as stated above, and then circles back around to it in book two.

As he lays out his eight-limbed approach, or Ashtanga Yoga, he begins with the Yamas as step one, and comes to the Niyamas as step two. The Yamas are how we should interact with the world around us, while the Niyamas dictate how we should interact with ourselves. The final of the five Niyamas is Isvara Pranidhana.

The very fact that he points us to surrender twice, shows us how important he sees the act to be. He’s telling us that the quickest way to reach that goal of liberation, is to simply let go. That’s it. While it would be nice if he gave us the specific formula to surrender, the truth is, there is no magic way of doing it. We must approach surrender from multiple angles to really be able to submit to life just as it is.

Know thyself

The first step is Svadhyaya which essentially means self-study. We must examine ourselves honestly and objectively in order to begin to create change. If you don’t know what it is that causes your suffering, you cannot begin to dismantle it. Knowing ourselves means knowing our triggers.

To understand the root of our triggers, we must explore the concept of samskaras, which are the deep, long held impressions that shape our lives. We are essentially the sum of our samskaras, which can be rooted in both positive and negative experiences alike. Both our positive and negative experiences define our desires — either the things we would like to experience again, or the things we would like to avoid. Whether it’s good or bad, it has the potential to have a long-term impact on us.

It’s easy to understand how negative experiences can have a lasting negative impact, and how positive ones can have a lasting positive impact. However, it’s less obvious to see how positive experiences can have a lasting negative impact on our lives. The truth is, ultimately it’s all the same — our samskaras are what create our preferences, which lead to our attachments and expectations. Once we have expectations, suffering is likely to follow, as the world and those in it, rarely live up to them.

So how do we know what our samskaras are? We have to circle back around the take note of our triggers. What is it that mildly irritates you? What is it that upsets you? What is it that angers you, and what is it that full on pushes you over the edge? The severity of your reaction will depend on the current state of your nervous system, so what may irk you one day, could anger you the next. But ultimately we need take note of these regular triggers to begin to understand where they come from.

Over time I started to realize that many (possibly/probably all) of my triggers, while they appeared really different on the outside, were ultimately rooted in the same pain point, which itself was the sum total of both positive and negative samskaras. As I’ve begun to better understand that pain point, I’ve been able to become much more conscious in those moments when I’m being triggered. I can’t say that I’ve reached a point where I am no longer triggered, but I am usually aware that I am being triggered, and why. That awareness is the result of that self inquiry, or svadhyaya, and while it isn’t always a comfortable process, it’s a valuable one.

When we understand those larger triggers, we can begin to spot how they are rooted in our attachments and expectations. As we discussed before, we are ultimately walking around trying to align the world in such a way so that we can be more comfortable inside. We are uncomfortable inside because of our samskaras which have led to our attachments and expectations. It’s all a big giant cycle, but one we can break if we set our mind to it.

Piece to Peace

I could continue on, and I plan to further discuss this concept of suffering and surrender in my next post, but I feel like we’ve hit on the initial piece that will eventually lead us to… peace. It’s simply being aware of when you’re being triggered. Just start to notice. Don’t have any expectation that with that awareness will come change, just focus on the awareness piece. Label it. When you feel yourself getting triggered, just say, “I’m being triggered.” You don’t need to dissect it or even start to look at patterns, though they may easily reveal themselves.

I don’t think I’ve ever handed out homework in a blog post before, but I am this time: Just label it, and let that be enough.