I am ENOUGH
This month we’re exploring my favorite I am statement: I am ENOUGH.
I start each class with, “(inhale) I am (exhale) Here. (inhale) I am (exhale) Enough.” I do so, because I believe that these are the two hardest truths for many of us to embrace. As we discussed in January, the ability to be present for our lives is vital for our continued growth and happiness. But I believe that embracing our Enough-ness is the key to truly living out our fullest potential as humans.
In gratitude
I don’t want to go any further without acknowledging that I adopted the “I am Enough” statement from a fellow student, Sarah B. I had been using the “I am Here” statement as a way to begin classes for awhile, and when I had the privilege of guiding Sarah through her yoga teaching training many moons ago, she started her qualifying class with, “I am Enough.” I was so inspired by this, that I soon added it into my classes. So I want to take this time to thank her for sharing her wisdom with me, which has enabled me to share it with others. Thank you, my friend; your reminder that I am, in fact, Enough, as been a beacon of hope for me these last few years.
Internal struggle
Truly embracing my enough-ness is a daily struggle for me. I question it when it comes to my body (both my health and physical appearance), my skills as a teacher (I’m nervous before every class), my relationship (I’m basically sitting around waiting for Jason to figure out what a fraud I am), and my ability to parent two children who tragically lost their mom at a young age (I seriously suck at this). Everywhere I look, I can easily find evidence of my not enough-ness. In fact, it’s staring right back at me every time I look in a mirror.
My brain has become so hard wired to see all the ways that I am supposedly lacking, that sometimes it feels like I am the biggest pile of not enough-ness there could possibly be. A pile so high I could climb to the top and reach the sky. A pile born from my own anxious excavation, as if I’ve been digging around for reasons to prove how horrible I really am (you should see my shovel collection).
I don’t have a single person in my life who tells me I am not enough. In fact, I am surrounded by people who love me, support me, believe in me and cherish me. But no matter how many times they lovingly tell me that I am enough, I simply cannot take it in.
You see, inside my head there is a host of nasty voices that are so quick to counter my loved one’s arguments. They are vicious and they are loud and they know just what to say to turn me to dust. And they have been calling the shots up there for decades.
My dad calls them, “the itty bitty shitty committee.”
Who hired them?
Throughout our lives, our own individual committee has the potential to swell to unimaginable numbers. We live in a consumer based society that thrives off, and frankly depends on, our insecurities. The more “they” can make you believe you are a useless sack of moldy old potatoes, the more they can sell you, and profit off of you. There are more than a few mega yachts floating around out there, funded by our collective belief that we are not enough.
For decades, the advertising industry has honed these messages in an effort to claim your money. If you loved the aging face gazing back at you from the mirror, you wouldn’t spend countless dollars on anti-aging potions that amount to little more than snake-oil covered up with fragrances and fanciful buzzwords. From a young age we are taught that we are simply not good enough, but, if we buy this, try that, and consume these, then maybe, just maybe, we will become enough.
So we buy that, try this, and consume all of those… but it doesn’t work. Then we go in search of the next thing that might help us to finally achieve our elusive enough-ness. And when that doesn’t work, the search begins again. We get stuck on the treadmill of never enough-ness, our culture dangling that carrot (p.s. why do we say carrot? Wouldn’t a donut be more effective?), urging us on, as if the answer is just a bit farther down the road. Every once in awhile you come out of your not-enough stupor to realize that you’re not on a road, you’re on a treadmill, and there is literally no way to get anywhere when you’re on a treadmill. But then “they” hit you over the head and knock you back in your place.
Practice doesn’t make perfect, it reveals perfection
Contrary to popular belief, Yoga is not about trying to change yourself. It is a practice of divine revelation. For me, it has been the guiding light that helps me to continuously jump off that treadmill. Over time, my practice has enabled me to see glimmers of my true nature. Yoga doesn’t dangle that donut far down the road, it tries, again and again, to show me that those delicious treats are all around me. In fact, it’s constantly trying to tell me that I AM the darn donut. I am sweet, doughy, delightful and irresistible! I don’t need to keep searching down the road, as I am the bakery, the baker, and the baked goodies all at once.
It’s not about becoming enough — you cannot “become” something that you intrinsically are. That would be like saying you are trying to become human. Rather it’s a process of revealing and accepting your enough-ness. A process of peeling back the layers that society has expertly woven around you.
In Yoga this is known as Maya, or the illusion that surrounds us. Imagine you come across an incredibly dirty mirror that you can barely see yourself in. If you want to see your reflection clearly, you know that you need to clean the mirror, not your face, as the dirt rests on the surface of the glass, not your skin. But unfortunately we live in a society that has convinced you that it’s your face that’s dirty, not the mirror. And so you scrub and scrub with expensive cleansers until your face is so raw that you have to go in search of pricey, yet soothing, serums and salves (which half the time cause you to break out!). No matter what you try, your face still appears dirty when you look at yourself.
You finally reach that exasperated moment where you cry out and slam your hands against the mirror and sob. But then, when you take your hands away and there is a small bit of surface that your hand touched that is now clear. You get closer and closer, peering in at your beautiful eyes, your lovely nose, your soft cheeks and your sweet lips, and you realize that you’ve been there all along, gazing back at yourself through the dirty illusion. You just could’t see yourself through all of societies gunk.
You are under there. I promise you. You are enough. You are a beloved child of the Universe and it is literally not possible for you to be not enough.
But it is possible, and likely, that you’ve succumbed, like billions before you, to the messages that you are not enough. Heck, sometimes people are told they are TOO much (I’m lookin’ at you, kid) and that, in turn, has the same effect: you must change in order to be enough.
Little by little, bit by bit
The process of embracing your enough-ness doesn’t happen over night — it can take time to wash away decades worth of society’s conditioning. But it is possible. You have to essentially rewire your brain, which takes time and lots of repetition. The good news is, the steps are simple… though, admittedly not always easy. And thankfully, we know that the practices of Yoga actually do have the ability to rewire the brain.
The rub is, you gotta do it my friend.
You have to get on your mat and work on developing a loving relationship with your body. You have to practice mediation and slowly, but surely, clean that crap off the mirror. You have to become aware of your negative thoughts and begin to replace them with positive ones. And you have to do all of this over and over again until it becomes second nature.
I know that sounds daunting. It does to me too. But what gives me hope is knowing that over time I have begun to see a difference in my life. I can now label my not-enough thoughts and I know that I have the power to counter them with loving ones. And now, most of the time the loving ones win out. When I look in the mirror and my itty bitty shitty committee fires up and starts shooting off hateful rounds, I smile, and say, “Hello beautiful, I love you, and I’m so excited I get to spend the day with you.”
I navigate life through the lens of depression and anxiety. And I’ve been at the very bottom, where the only way forward seemed like the way out. I’m grateful that I didn’t take that road, and that I found Yoga. It saved me. It saves me again and again. I don’t know if I’ll ever be free from depression and anxiety, and I don’t know that I’ll ever be free from “not-enough” thoughts. But I do know that if I keep getting on my mat, and I keep learning and loving, that my practice will continue to illuminate the way forward.
So say it with, I AM ENOUGH.
Now… keep saying it.